My Body Has Betrayed Me

I’ve seen this attitude around the IBD community and I don’t like it, but cannot discount the feeling. Crohn’s disease and Ulcerative Colitis can make us feel out of control, like our bodies have taken the reins and we are just along for an extremely bumpy ride. When I read this phrase I had an immediate and gut wrenching reaction. It made me feel very sad.

I do often feel the need to whine, “Why me?” “What did I do to deserve this?” I get in moods where I don’t want to take care of myself. I do things which are reckless; eating the wrong foods, not resting enough, forgetting medications. When I spent ten years trying to go to college and would have flare ups before a semester was completed, I felt like my body was betraying me. Four years ago, when I had surgery to take care of a stricture in my small intestine, had an ostomy for 5 months and after they reconnected me I had accidents for the first time, I felt like my body was betraying me. To name a few. I know, for many people an ostomy is life saving, but I could not come to terms with what was going on with my body. I admire people who live life to the fullest with an ostomy. Anyway, this is not about ostomies.

Now, I find myself somewhat more accepting of my body. Things have gotten a little better, thanks to acupuncture and yoga. I try to not be so angry when my j-pouch tells me I have to go to the bathroom nearly every two hours. I try not to cry uncle about the gut pain. I believe that having a negative relationship with our bodies helps to make our symptoms worse. But, I have to admit that I am not a naturally upbeat and positive person. I takes hard work for me to have a positive attitude.

Right now, I am in pain. I went to the bathroom about an hour ago and I feel the need to go again. I know this disease is more than a “pooping disease.” Still, for me right now, it is about the pooping and the pain. The pain is frustrating and stressful, not things conducive to to a positive attitude. But I try.

I wish we did not feel that our bodies have betrayed us. It’s such a strong and ugly word.